OVERCOMING TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS
Are any of your relationships unhealthy?
Here is some Biblical-based advice for how to tell if your relationships are toxic….and how to cut them out of your life.
When God wants to bless you, how does He do it?
He sends miracles and the right people into your life.
When the enemy wants to destroy you, how does he go about it?
He also sends “the right people” for him to help him accomplish his evil mission….
There are many types of relationships that are liabilities, not assets….we must be able to discern the difference!!
If you are going to develop truly healthy relationships, you first must cut out the unhealthy ones you are bonded to…
How can you tell if a relationship is toxic?
Here are three major indicators:
Constant Strife and Division:First, there will be constant strife and division.
Amos 3:3 asks us, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”
A healthy relationship is one in which there is oneness of goals, purpose, values, and beliefs…
Where you are equally yoked.
God’s Word also says, “Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there” (James 3:16).
The Greek word for confusion, ‘akatastasia’, means “unstable.”
The Bible tells us that a double-minded man is “unstable in all his ways” James 1:8
The situation is out of order and therefore out of control.
God is a God of order, NOT chaos.
He has set up lines of authority, and when those lines are violated, the door becomes open to every type of evil spirit.
You don’t get to choose the “brand” of evil spirit you want.
When you get out of line God’s design, and allow Satan’s lies, fear, and doubt to creep in, it gives him authority to infiltrate and bring you any form of evil he wants to.
Strife and confusion sap your energy and drain your creativity, confidence, and peace of mind.
It takes your focus off what God has for you…and your blessings.
It even affects your health.
People Who Knew You “Back When.”One of the most dangerous relationships is one that holds you to your past mistakes.
The Bible tells us in Matthew 13
53 And it came to pass, that when Jesus had finished these parables, he departed thence.
54 And when he was come into his own country, he taught them in their synagogue, insomuch that they were astonished, and said, Whence hath this man this wisdom, and these mighty works?
55 Is not this the carpenter’s son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas?
56 And his sisters, are they not all with us? Whence then hath this man all these things?
57 And they were offended in him.
But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.
58 And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief. It was because of their unbelief that He could not manifest the fullness of Himself (Matthew 13:53–58}
Toxic associations with your past can drag you down and hold you back…
They can keep you from fulfilling your true potential and purpose, and your blessings.
I’m not talking, of course, of healthy relationships with people that know your past mistakes…
You don’t just casually walk away from someone just because they know your past..
I’m talking about TOXIC relationships, the ones that hold you there.
Friendships, business associations, casual acquaintances or even relatives who remind you continually of what people used to think of you or what you did wrong….
Those old opinions that were never God’s, are opinions that do not relate to your now or in the future. They relate only to your yesterday.
Violators of the HeartThese are relationships that prey on your heart and rob you of control over your life.
Don’t give power to any person to manipulate you and control you.
Nobody deserves that power…
The only person we fully surrender to is God!!
No person has the right to steal your joy, your sound mind, ignite your temper, or any other aspect of your life.
That can’t happen unless you give that person the power.
Don’t do it!
The most dangerous violator of the heart is the person who tells you what you want to hear.
The person who tickles your ear…just like Satan does.
It is the person who strokes your ego and tells you words of affection that you are desperate to hear, all in an effort to get what they want from you.
Violators take advantage of the “needs” in your life, especially the need to be loved and accepted.
They aren’t concerned about your happiness, your Blessings, or your destiny….
They are only concerned about what they want.
They are takers, not givers.
Never lose your identity for another person’s sake.
Never permit compromise of your character for anyone.
You must continually take inventory of whether a person is sucking more from you than the person is giving to you.
A healthy relationship is a relationship in which there is balance in giving and taking . . .
where there is mutual appreciation and a building up . . .
where there are honest words of appreciation without any taint of manipulation.
Steps to Cutting off an Unhealthy Relationship:
So, what are the steps you must take to cut unhealthy relationships out of your life?
First, you must identify and accept the reality of an out-of-balance relationship.At times, you need to take stock of the situation and admit to yourself that a relationship just isn’t working.
All of your efforts at helping or rehabilitating a person have failed.
It is at that point that you need to give that person over to God.
Notice that I didn’t say that you totally give up on the person.
To give up is to walk away and say, “I don’t care what happens to you.”
To give a person “over to God” is to walk away as you say, “I have done all that I can do. I’m entrusting you to God from this point on.”
When you give a person over to the Almighty, you are releasing that person from your own heart to the One who truly can heal the person…
Who will never fail the person…
Who is totally qualified to counsel and guide and help the person.
How many times can you tell a person the same things over and over and over again?
Some people have been prayed for so often that your handprints are indelibly imprinted on them!
If you allow yourself to be drained and distracted by someone you truly cannot help because that person does not truly want your help, only your association, then you are blocking yourself to be in a position to help those who truly do want to receive your help.
Secondly, don’t try to impose yourself as our Heavenly Father to any other person.There’s a huge difference between helping a person and carrying a person.
You aren’t the Holy Spirit.
Don’t enter into an enabling relationship in which you come to feel totally responsible for a person’s success or failure.
Thirdly, become comfortable with criticism.If you do have to end a relationship, not everyone is going to be happy with your decision.
For that matter, not everybody is going to be happy with you at some point, regarding anything!
There’s always going to be somebody who wants you to do something other than what they want or what God is leading you to do.
Nobody can please everyone all the time, EVER.
“Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for so did their fathers to the false prophets.” – { Luke 6:26 }
You need to recognize that some people will sometimes be angry with you for making healthy decisions, and that is just a part of life.
You need to be strong, bold, courageous, and obedient to God enough to say,
“This relationship isn’t healthy for either of us.”
“We need to put an end to this.”
Trust God to help you recognize and have discernment as to when a relationship is becoming detrimental to you….your business, your ministry, or the health of yourself or your family life.
Trust Him to give you the courage to end the relationship, and then trust Him to give you broad enough shoulders and thick enough skin to take the criticism that you may face for ending it.
Fourth; progressively end other unhealthy relationships.It takes emotional energy to end a toxic relationship, but even more to maintain it.
If you cut every unhealthy relationship out of your life all at one time, you are likely to be overwhelmed by the loss.
Cut unhealthy relationships out of your life one at a time until you can say, “All of my relationships are ones that are pleasing to God and are ones in which there is a mutual give-and-take, a mutual blessing, a mutual edification.”
“I am on the same wavelength with those who are close to me when it comes to values, beliefs, and goals.”
Fifth, don’t burn bridges:When you dissolve a relationship, don’t do so in anger or bitterness.
There is a way to walk away from a relationship without words of hatred or criticism or the placing of blame…but with forgiveness….and freedom.
At the same time, walk away from an unhealthy, toxic relationship with the full intention that you will not revisit that relationship again in the future.
God may lead you to have a relationship with that person down the road, if there is healing in it, but you should not have the intent to come back to the relationship.
Make a clean break.
Make a definitive break.
There may be a situation in which someone comes to you to break off a relationship.
Allow that break to occur.
Don’t keep hanging on.
Don’t keep trying to mend fences that are twelve-foot-high stone walls.
Don’t keep revisiting the relationship in your heart, looking for a way back in.
Allow the break to happen, and then, move forward.
If you continue to look back, you won’t be qualified or given the authority to possess what God has for you.
Look ahead, not back.
Every time you look back, you begin to question, “Did I do the right thing?”
You second-guess your today.
You become hesitant about your tomorrow.
Leave the past behind you, where it belongs.
Move forward!
Don’t look at what might have been, should have been, or could have been!
Look at what is still to be!
Go to Those Who Celebrate You.Why waste your life trying to get the attention or win the affection of people who don’t care about you?
Why make the effort to go where people merely tolerate you, but don’t celebrate you?
Why spend your time, effort, and resources seeking acceptance from people who are so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t accommodate anybody else in their lives?
Why spend your spiritual gifts on people who aren’t at all capable of recognizing and appreciating the One who lives inside you?
Y’shua told a parable in which a man gave a great feast and invited many people to come.
He sent his servant at the appointed time to say to those who were invited, “Come, for all things are now ready.”
But one by one, those who were invited made excuses. One had bought some property, another a new yoke of oxen he needed to “test” and another had just married.
Aren’t those the things that people tend to value more than you today?
One person has a business that he values more than you, another a new car or new boat or some other new “toy” of some “thing” that they value more that a person….even something as invalid as a cell phone.
They may have a new relationship that is more important than their relationship with you.
Not that people shouldn’t have their own lives and others they care about…
But when it matters the most…
Find the people who are there when you need them…
Who are starving for who you are and what you have to mutually offer the relationship!
People who accept you for who you are, with no expectations above what they are willing to give back.
Find in your mind, body and spirit, the strength and fortitude to shine as who you are, who God made you, and for the His sake.
Never stand in the shadow of someone or “something” else or ever allow yourself to be made to feel “less than”.
Find your strength of character, firmness of self-value in the Almighty, and allow Him to lead you to your fullness through Him.
Walk by Faith
Love with Forgive with Grace
Don’t let others devalue you…
Be Bold and Courageous
…and know that you are Loved by your Creator beyond measure.
Lori Jorgensen is a Kingdom Mindset Transformational Coach.
If you are in need of more personal guidance, mentorship and transformation, in overcoming toxic relationships or in any other area of your life, you can find more information here.
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Be sure to visit my blog often to find other powerful stories of faith, encouragement, and valuable information.
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